WWJD - What would Jake drive? Somewhat humble beginnings.
Recently, a close friend called to inform me that his car was in the process of being bought back by it’s Bavarian Motor Works overlords. This was something we had discussed prior so it wasn’t a massive shock but still quite a swift kick in the solar plexus.
A buy back? Yeah. It’s the automotive equivalent of terminal cancer and one of the dark secrets of the industry. Okay, maybe it happens every once in a great while but it’s still pretty damn rare.
A buy back is when a vehicle’s problems go so far beyond that of a Lemon, the manufacture provides a refund, in full, for the total value of the vehicle (minus wear and tear). This is a rarity for even the most low end of autos, and for a BMW? About as likely as getting an invite to a clothing optional unicorn rollerskating jam.
So to bring yall (yes, I rock yall… as in yall suckaz) up to speed (oh I’ve punned myself) just a few years ago, Jake leased a BMW 135i. This platform is often times ignored as it’s the smallest of the domestic US BMW lineup. This is not the standard (see: boring, lifeless) 125 or 8, but a true wolf in sheep’s clothing wearing grandma’s dress handing out candy.
For those who like numbers: I6 24v twin turbo 302hp/300lb·ft, 0-60 in 4.7 seconds. Yessir.
Um, what?
This 135i held within it an awe inspiring, twin turbo engine that has the kind of torque that’ll pull the stretch marks off your recently impregnated wife. And the exhaust bathed the air with a note that was enough to make a mailbox smile as it was passed by. Simply put, this car was a complete blast to drive in every capacity.
To further add to the lore of this vehicle, the twin turbo engine was only available for two years and has since been replaced with a single turbo version. While BMW claims this was to increase fuel economy and efficiency, anyone driving this car knows otherwise.
So being a proper petrol-head enthusiast of sorts, Jake was obviously quite crestfallen to have his car reclaimed and decommissioned well before it’s intended time. It just wasn’t meant - wait, so who is this guy anyway?
Jake, as we’ll call him, isn’t his real name and he certainly doesn’t look anything like this guy (who will likely read me the riot act for using this picture of him… which of course isn’t really him). He thinks this picture makes him look funny or something like that, but I can’t agree with in the slightest. Why?
This is when Jake was in Iceland. He decided that Los Angeles was boring and he needed to travel. So he just popped over to a beautiful Nordic country in the wake of a massively destabilized government and complete social chaos… you know, for kicks.
Also for kicks, he just walked around in the near freezing water barefoot. Cause that’s just how Jake rolls. I’ll see your viking nation state of martial law and raise you a death cold chatter walk in the waves.
The other reason why Jake called to ask, “So noti… what kind of car do you think I should get next?” As genuinely saddened as I was to hear about the 135i being put down, I was equally exuberant at the thought of helping Jake choose his next vehicle.
Giggity.
And then my head started spinning. Oh beard of Zeus, how many wonderful options are out there… how to choose? So we discussed. I thru out an excessive amount of options while Jake was still driving home from handing over the keys. Too soon?
That’s how I came to this idea. As much as I do enjoy a thorough and lengthy convo with Jake, perhaps formulating thoughts on the interwebs is a more constructive avenue. That and I can add visuals, which are equally grand and keep me from being too wordy. Oops, too late.
So then, what would Jake drive? I don’t have a clear vision yet. But soon we’ll have a better idea of what he could drive.
(note: Jake has no idea about this yet, might get an angry phone call tomorrow)